btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
