Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
3 2 1 whiskey
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Randomize
