Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
