Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
