I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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