mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
