Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
