I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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