My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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