I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
