There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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