Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
