I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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