She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
