I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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