does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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