Banned from zoo.
Again?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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