sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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