well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
