New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
