I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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