sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
