This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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