i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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