Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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