yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize