I wish my penis had an off switch
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
