Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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