I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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