apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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