sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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