How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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