Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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