I can't breathe out the right side of my face
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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