well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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