we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I have tasted many bathrooms
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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