the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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