The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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