The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
