Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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