I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
