all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
