just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
