Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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