Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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