apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
