she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
