Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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