I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
