we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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