Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize