all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
