my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
