life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
