at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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