the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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