dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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