How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
