I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
