i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
