I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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