he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
