My nipple is on Facebook.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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