he puts the penis in happiness.
Do vagina's smell?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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