that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
