Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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