Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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