i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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