My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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