Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
